ISO Americana

August 31, 2013

I am in the Dutch Motel hard by Interstate 78 in Shartlesville, Pa.

“Where?” you say. This stretch of the Interstate is also U.S. Route 22, and Shartlesville is home to one of the more curious tourist destinations of the United States—Roadside America.

This is a vast train layout hand-carved by a guy named Gieringer, starting in 1905 when he was a kid and continuing until some time in the 50s. Maybe the 60s. He died, according to a sign, in 1963.

According to another sign in the place, he and his brother were driven out of the house by their mom back in the old days. You remember, long before the days of play dates, soccer practices, and lawsuits, your mom would get tired of having you underfoot and would yell at you till you went out to play in traffic.

This was over a hundred years ago, so there wasn’t much traffic out here. The kids climbed a mountain and looked at a small town in the valley and got the idea to recreate it in miniature.

There is another version of the origins story, and also good photos, on the website roadsideamericainc.com, so I don’t know.

The older brother spent much of his life developing a vast train layout that now sits in a big building by the side of Old Route 22 in Shartlesville. The younger brother lost interest, apparently, because he became a monsignor.

Their mother’s hobby was to make doll clothes for replicas of the Infant of Prague.

The shop has a small display of them, including one made by the monsignor.

The layout has parks with monuments, different styles of architecture—log cabins, Dutch colonial, Cape Cod, etc.—churches, bridges, an 18th century farm. You get to push buttons along the way to make things happen. The Barnum and Bailey circus parade animates, church bells ring, or trolleys make their rounds.

It is all good fun. I expected something a little tacky, and it did not disappoint. I recommend it highly to anyone who likes model trains, hand-made miniatures, Americana, or juxtapositions of weird things. Like the Indian and German villages on adjoining mountains.

Every half hour there is a simulation of the view at night. The lights go down to a background of recorded music that includes the National Anthem. A spotlight trains on a flag pinned to the wall and fluttered by a fan below it. Next to that there are projected pictures of Jesus helping to guide the nation. It ends at simulated dawn accompanied by an old version of “God Bless America.” It may have been Kate Smith’s version, but I’m not sure. It sounded more like Eddie Cantor doing falsetto.

There are other curiosities in the building, like a large collection of stone arrowheads, a few hand-carved pipes, some fossils, and Bonomo’s Turkish Taffy. I haven’t seen that in decades. I thought it was long gone. The packages looked new, though, so they probably weren’t from the 1950s. But of course, who can be sure?

When they advertised it in the days of live television, someone would smack the bar on a tabletop to shatter it in the package. Then you could eat the pieces. It was too hard and rubbery to bite into the bar.

Shartlesville has some other attractions, too, including some pioneer-looking houses.

And the Riverboat Saloon, which has a replica of a riverboat sitting in the lot next door.

I'm not sure that the Riverboat Saloon is open for business. I saw no signs of activity there, but it isn't falling down, either. Maybe the town maintains it as a historic landmark.

Joanna saw a sign for Hershey, so we went there. We wanted to ride the Ferris wheel, but at nearly $40 a head to get in, we thought the ride a little steep. Oh, if we were towing kids who would ride all day, it would be fine, but I just wanted to stop in for an hour tops. So we walked around among a few attractions outside. We shared a pretzel covered in chocolate (of course) and peanut butter (for protein), and saw a place where children can be photographed next to statues of personified candy bars.

I am going Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub tomorrow, where bikers are known to hang out, so I trust that any spiritual damage from today’s cuteness may be rectified.

Haag’s Hotel, the other reason I came to Shartlesville, is a bar that I found about five years ago on a ride back from Virginia. I needed a place to eat, so I left the highway and stumbled onto Haag’s. That was also when I learned where Roadside America is.

My mother was always talking about how great it would be to visit Roadside America, but we never did. So I made a mental note. Here I am, Mom.

Haag’s serves up old-time, pre-health-food American cooking. I had country sausage, mashed potatoes with gravy, well-done green beans, and dried corn.

This last is a dish of yellow corn that has been dried and then is cooked till soft again. A completetly different flavor and texture from corn cut fresh from the cob, or frozen sweet corn.

Joanna had roast chicken, beets, and rice pilaf.

We split a serving of applesauce. This is, after all, Pennsylvania Dutch country, settled by Germans. It is liberally decorated with hex signs.

The taps are also pre-health-food America. There was a Yeungling Oktoberfest, which was too watery for my taste. Also a Sam Adams Oktoberfest, which was a little better. I had shoofly pie for dessert with a Heineken out of the bottle, the best I could do.

I can’t believe that we passed the Troeg’s brewery not 30 miles from this place. Not a true craft brew at Haag’s.

Denny’s will be another story I hope. More on that after I get there.

Goodnight, Gang. I’m getting tired. There must have been some kick in those light beers after all.

Harry

ISO Americana, Turkish Taffy

Sept. 2

Harry,

If you like Bonomo's Turkish Taffy, you can get it directly from the Vermont Country Store Catalog. They inundate me with stuff regularly. (I am a customer.) You would find it a fascinating piece of Americana every time you looked at it in print or on the web. They have wonderful chocolate items, by the way.

Peter

 Sept. 3

I'm not sure, Peter, but I think I hate the stuff.

It has been a long time, but I remember it was the sponsor of a kids' TV show that I used to watch.

The fun of smacking it to break it up was too much to resist. I tried some. It was right up there with candy corn.

You take a bite and ask yourself, "What in hell did I do that for?"

It is probably an acquired taste, like beer and demitasse.

Thanks for the tip.

Harry