Behaving (More or Less) in Amsterdam

Nieuwendijk, around the corner.

April 23

This is a novelty. I have been in Amsterdam for four days and haven't had a single space cake and haven't even gotten loaded. 

Joanna and I met Larry at Barney’s Uptown, one of three Barney’s franchises on Haarlemmerstraat, a few minutes’ walk from the hotel. Besides Uptown, there is Barney’s, which is a head shop, and Barney’s Farm, which sells seeds. 

Haarlemmerstraat

You can buy a beer at the Farm and at Uptown, but not at plain Barney’s. The law forbids the sale of cannabis and alcohol in the same establishment.  You can’t even take hour own bottle to a head shop. But you’re welcome to smoke joints or eat space cake in any of the places.

Larry had some hashish that he had bought in another part of town. I have been there on previous trips to Amsterdam but can’t remember where it is.

Joanna was fascinated by the spicy aroma. She was joking that smelling it would make her high. 

Larry said this must be a first for her. I reminded him that, when she was a toddler in Canton, Joanna used to load the opium pipes for her father and his guests. She used to sit with them while they smoked and then drop off to sleep.

I had a couple of half pints of Hartog Jan, a Pilsner, which is light, low-alcohol (4-5 percent) and good for early in the day.

We had lunch and took the No. 5 tram to Museumplein. We rode through Dam Square and Leidseplein (another plaza I had intended to visit) to the Rijksmuseum.

The Rijksmuseum has been undergoing renovation and expansion for 10 years. I went there twice in that time, and saw a token collection of highlights. 

There were three things I wanted to share with Joanna. The first one I found right away, the Grandfather Clock. It is at the lower entrance to the exhibits just before you get to the medieval and Renaissance collections.

Maybe this is how clocks worked before there were mechanical movements. The clock is a tall wooden box with a glass face. On the other side of the glass you see a man, out of focus. Every minute, he erases the long hand and draws a new one at the correct time. Once in a while, he advances the short hand the same way.

Here’s a shot of it that I took last August. I'll repeat it here so you don’t have to go back to last summer’s entries to see what it looks like.

Sometimes he steps away when he is done. This time, he stood behind the face and ate his lunch.

We could have spent the afternoon in the lower floor. But the Dutch masters were waiting upstairs.

The wall with five Vermeers (possibly the largest collection of Vermeers in the world) was very popular, but we got so close to the Milkmaid you could hear her breathe, except it is a sublime moment caught in time and a strange light. There is something otherworldly about that painting.

That was the second highlight.

Third, a little farther along, was the Night Watch. Joanna had joined the Night Watch two days earlier, and she needed to meet the original crew. All these guys talking and stumbling around, an amateur troop trying to get ready to march. 

Like Dogberry: “You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch, therefore bear you the lantern.” Only these guys had guns and pikes, and clearly were leading citizens. There’s one bewildered man whose musket appears to be going off by accident. There are also a dog, a little girl (maybe the troop’s mascot), and a largely obscured face—just an eye and a cap—which some people have suggested may be a representation of Rembrandt himself looking over the shoulder of a citizen soldier.

It does resemble an early self-portrait, an etching of the artist looking very surprised indeed. You can find all these images and with a lot more information than I know on the Internet.

Larry had some errands, so he left around half past four. The museum closed at 5 so we got kicked out along with everybody else, and walked back to Leidseplein.

It was rush hour, The bicyclists and worse, the motor bikers, were incredibly aggressive. Everybody on wheels here seems to lose that sense of laid-back civility that the Dutch are known for. We had a guy run a stop sign in his car to cut us off. 

Tourists were unpacking a bus and the cyclists were plowing through the crowd. One smug fool was going “bup-bup-bup” telling people they were being naughty and he should not have to stop. Bup-bup-bup your ass. One dumb fuck actually clipped my elbow, and I was on the sidewalk.

Don’t these people know how vulnerable they are? One quick stroke of a walking stick could send them over the handlebars.

Leidseplein is a place where they sometimes sell tickets to a boat tour run by a comedy troupe called Boom Chicago. Most or all American ex-pats, they have been making a living here putting on shows and special events for people and companies. Larry and I took the ride last August. It’s a small boat and can go into canals where the larger tour boats won’t fit.

The guy at the place didn’t know anything, but said he would check. Maybe I’ll drop by there later today. There is another place to buy tickets, near the Anne Frank house, and I may try there instead.

We wandered a bit, which is the best thing to do in Amsterdam. We went into Chinatown and I practiced reading Han characters. 

We ate at a very non-Dutch place, Pieminister. Joanna had a chicken and leek pie. I had one made of beef and real ale. 

Then we worked our way back to the hotel through a very old part of the city. At least, this is what Larry told me. The buildings that face the canals come right to the water, as they do in Venice. You would step or hand goods, right from the boat to the door. 

I was feeling a little under the weather, so it was time to head back. 

I’m much better now. A dozen hours of sleep can do wonders.

So, here’s wishing you wonders.